the unfortunate truth

“i think he feels insecure because of you”

ironically, this was said to me in a work environment, referring to my professional relationship with another colleague. by another male colleague. there have been issues where “he” fails to really truly listen to people, and i have been relatively unhappy in this environment.

you know when you were kids, there was a jerk face or two that when you (or the teacher) said “now wouldn’t you be hurt if that happened to you too?” and the kid replies, “it didn’t happen to me so i don’t know” ?? well my friends, it’s kind of like working with THAT kid, only 24 years later and they’re still saying that same thing. the difference is that this kid, circa kindergarten, has now developed ego, pride, and hard headedness and is a grown ass man. and unfortunately, you have to work with him. the worst part of it all, is that i apparently hurt his male ego, as i am a “Japanese American” woman. or a TCK, which is what i prefer to be referred to as (especially since i am NOT American–in any legal way, at least–). and despite EVERYTHING that HE can do better than me (ie. speak/write/read Japanese, have a penis, etc), the fact that i speak/write/read English better than he does, i emasculate him.  if it were just about this language barrier, then there is nothing that i would do.  i mean, that’s like saying that i feel insecure because HE is much literate in Japanese than i am.  but i don’t feel insecure.  probably because the rest of the world is much literate in Japanese than i am…

anyhow, my point is this:

this man, is emasculated by my upbringing, and the fact that i am an independant person.  regardless of WHO i am talking to, i am not afraid to speak my mind, and will be honest whether you like it or not.  which is quite the contrary to the stereotypical passive japanese girl, who is very…passive, confined, and everything else that i unfortunately have strongly negative views of this culture.  there are TONS, and i mean TONS of great things about japanese culture.  but the general culture of society i do not admire.  the other unfortunate thing is that i happen to know -for the lack of a better word- “better”.  or i am living a culture of my own that suits me.  and never have i ever had to confine to something less than what i want.  which brings me to the realization that i will more than likely NEVER date a japanese-japanese man, because whoever i meet, they -apparently- will be emasculated by my existence, and what woman in the right mind would ever date a man who feels emasculated by them?  i am too “big” as a japanese person as it is, even if that means that i wear a size 2 in the states.  and MY stereotypical image of japanese men is that they like their girls stick thin with no curves.

so the unfortunate truth is; my belief that i will almost never date a japanese-japanese man was reaffirmed by my failure of a relationship with a japanese-japanese colleague.

and the biggest joke of it all?  he’s engaged to an american girl.

when the man turns you off

i’m having an epiphany.

during the course of the last week or so, i’ve had a series of what appeared to be “mood swings” for no particular reason.  it’s not like i was PMS-ing or anything like that either, so i couldn’t figure out WHY i was moody.

then today, it finally occurred to me.

this man, is being a major turn off.

the relationship or lack of that has been going on is going south because of an apparent laziness displayed at work.  since the time off that we’ve all received due to the earthquake, he’s become this lazy person who doesn’t really want to do much and i never see him (at least in front of me) make an effort to do something.

*now*
3 days later…

things have improved.  maybe my hoping and praying did something…or things have gotten SO bad that i am in plain denial.  but i think things are getting better. *keeps fingers crossed*

obessed.

i absolutely CANNOT stop listening to the song of the title of my previous blog post.

‘fly, fly away’ from catch me if you can.

just. can’t. stop.

it’s the song, the emotion that comes through from the song that just makes it obsessive.

fly, fly away

the phone rings, and things feel normal again.

oh what am i doing.

everything but…

i’m having a writer’s block.

well, if only it were as fancy as a writer’s block.

i can’t come up with a good cover letter esque thing and i’ve been procrastinating ALL DAY. i need to get it done by tomorrow so i can be free but i just can’t figure out what to write. because i feel like anything that i come up with is not going to be good enough. it doesn’t help that i’m about to start doing this ‘long-distance’ (not even) thing for two weeks and my mind is preoccupied. my mind is everywhere. and it was content and happy everywhere else aside from this cover letter mess until a few hours ago. i hate modern technology.

facing my two week challenge, i plan on getting back to the gym with the free time that i have, and also journaling again. as i will expect to be spending most of my lunches alone, i think it’ll be a good time to start digging down again. i haven’t journaled steadily since i came back from the states so that’s almost two years. so at least for the next couple of weeks i plan on eating healthy and working out and getting down to the bottom of all my thoughts. it sounds very zen and healthy, but i’m not sure on how much i look forward to it. i thought about doing a countdown blog, but then realized it’s not even remotely close to being long enough to do a blog countdown.

so you see, like this blogging, i’m doing everything but writing the cover letter, and my eyes are starting to get blurry. i’m tired for doing nothing and exhausted for not being able to come up with anything spectacular. which in a sense is also odd, because i have a job that pays decent and i don’t mind doing. so then it’s like “whats the point in searching for another job?” right? but we continue to search for what’s better because we want something more with life. and yet i find myself thinking “is this really necessary RIGHT NOW?” because i can’t come up with anything.

and all these thoughts go down a rabbit hole and i some how end up with thoughts about existentialism thanks to my sister’s homework assignment.

life.is.absurd.

teenage dream

happy 2011

it’s only been a week since the world rang in the new year and yet it feels like its been FOREVER.

but so far its been an awesome start of the new year.

more to come!

“she’s pissed”

i just need to let things out–and i don’t care if it goes public.

last week, an old fling of mine came to visit.  visit the country that i am in, NOT me.  we didn’t end things on good terms and yet we managed to flirt here and there post-fling.  when he told me he was coming to visit, i didn’t believe him because most people say that and they never do.  it’s one of those things when you live in such an “exotic” seeming country like japan.  regardless, despite my beliefs, he came.

he got here and one of the things that i immediately asked myself was WHY IN THE WORLD i was attracted to him in the first place.  i kept asking my 21 year old self what made him so charming aside from his appearance.  because if we’re strictly talking appearance, he’s hot.  anyhow, having had a crush on someone else for the past 6 months, every single thing that happened was a sign to me that things were just not meant to be with this old fling of mine.  possibly because we’ve both moved on with our life and we were in completely different places compared to the freshly-out-of-college mental place.  even with the differences and my big crush of 2010 (or crash if you rather), i stuck it out and hung out with him for the time that he was here.  we walked around, did the touristy stuff, he took me out to expensive restaurants to eat.  and as much as i felt slightly obligated to, i did not sleep with him.  the first night that he got in, we went back to his hotel and almost started fooling around.  i asked myself if he was someone i wanted to wake up next to.  and he wasn’t.  i kept on thinking about my crush, and how disappointed or something he may feel about me if he found out.  the last thing i wanted to do was hurt him.  during conversations i kept on thinking about the great chemistry my crush and i have, and all i wanted to do was see him.  interestingly enough, the entire time that my old fling was visiting, i never saw my crush. 5 whole days. that was the first time.

anyhow, after my long stretch of 5 days of playing tour guide, my old flame left.  and went on to korea.  now i’m here to find out through cyberspace that he’s STILL in korea (he was supposed to leave a few days ago) and there’s tons of pictures of him and his tour guide over there (what a whore–no judgement) posted on facebook.  and despite EVERYTHING that i’ve felt in the past week, i still feel like i’ve been cheated on, and i feel really really stupid.  i should be embarrassed that i let this happen again.  and i shouldn’t feel hurt or anything because he’s gone and i’ve been seeing my crush.  yet i posted pictures on facebook of when the old fling was visiting.  what’s wrong with me?  what am i doing??

needless to say, i deleted the facebook album immediately.
and i’m trying to figure out how to approach my crush about this.

end of year resolutions

why saya? you may ask.

the answer is simple: i’m a short term goal oriented person.

with 40-something days left in the year 2010, i have some end of year resolutions.

1. less cabbing.
my cabbing frequency is RIDICULOUS.  i’m pretty sure i spend a good amount of my paycheck for the cabbies in tokyo.  and it sucks because cabs cost more here than in the city, where 20bucks can basically get you ANYWHERE.  it costs me roughly 3,000YEN to cab to/from work and yet i still do it.  especially if i’m having a rough morning/day at work.  every now and then i have those mornings (particularly team meeting mornings) where i try to get to work bidazzled and loose track of time, therefore need to cab. but still, need to stop cabbing.  especially if the trains are still running.

2. gym. gym. gym.
another thing that is ridiculous.  haven’t been to that place called the gym in months now. must get back before the year ends.  i really miss my awesome trainer from the city though.  her sessions were tough on the wallet but definitely worth it.  i’m sure i’d stop cabbing if she were here…

3. less shopping?
that’s in question.  i think my spending habits boil down to excessive cabbing so this one is on stand-by.

4. emotional stability.
no explanations.

but going off on the emotional stability thing, there are certain relationship behaviors i’m observing about myself.  my worst relationship fear in any kind of relationship is not being enough for that person. in a romantic relationship, another fear is losing that person.  like they’ll stop caring for you and walk away.  to prevent that, i push them away, act cold, act uninterested because i would rather much lose interest in them first before they do that to me.  it’s a defense mechanism.  and the closer i get to a person, those things show up.  i admit i have trust issues, but who doesn’t?  i try SO hard to wear my heart on my sleeve but when it doesn’t work out one too many times, you HAVE to learn from your mistakes.  it just makes it really complicated and hard to figure out when there’s a case of bad timing when you meet the person who you are perfect with.  will it really happen if its meant to be?

what i want.

attempting to write about what i want and i can’t even get started…

i was asked what i wanted for my birthday. and i can’t think of anything.

i couldn’t think of anything last year either.  i can throw in superficial wants, like a necklace or a diamond stud earring.  i DO want those things, especially the diamond stud earring, but that’s something i can get myself.

regardless, i still don’t really know what i want.

i suppose its time to start making those lists again…

processing

i still can’t put my finger on EXACTLY how i feel.

it’s strange. i usually know, or have some sort of idea but nada.

everyone around me keeps on asking me “what do you want to do?” and my honest to gut answer is “i don’t know”.  although i personally LOVE ambiguity, uncertainty is one of the least attractive things in a person…i think.  i mean, why would one want to be with someone who has no clue what they want?  but then a friend of mine said to me “i think subconsciously you know exactly what you want.  YOU are just not there yet.”  and maybe that’s true.  but i can’t help but hope for myself to catch up with my subconscious, because I want to know.  what is it that i really want?  do i want to be in a relationship?  am i okay with the way things are right now?  is this not serious enough for me? do i feel like i’m second best?

what i am is…..i’m scared shitless to lose whatever it is that exists now.  scared to the point that i can see myself compromising because i’ve never felt so happy. scared because i’ve met someone who actually gets me and is actually there for me.  and he actually sees himself being with me in the future.  so do i let go of what is here right now in hopes that whatever that is meant to be will always find its way?  is that how this is supposed to be?  there’s a part of me that says i should see other people so i won’t be too invested in what is in front of me.  try to find a balance.  but that’s the thing–i’m not that good at maintaining balance in that department.  i can’t “like” two people at the same time.  that’s just not me.  but is that something to explore? i don’t know…

these thoughts keep me awake at night.

should i be grateful that i have the graveyard shift today so i actually HAVE to stay awake?